STORIES

    I hate listening to people's life stories. I know it's a very intense way to start this post, but it's true. Wait! I lie. I enjoy listening to people who have sad stories like mine and we can actually sympathize and connect, although that is also not healthy for me, so I'll leave that train of thought for another day. Back to the "regular"stories.

    The childhood stories of "good enough" parenting... basically anything that has to do with "normality"will always make me sad because I can't share my stories, therefore I feel lonely in my dark child world. 

   The stories of youth and travels, early relationships, vacations, first jobs, carefree living... basically anything that has to do with being "young"and not carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders will always make me sad because, once more, I can't share my stories and I feel lonely in my extremely depressed youth.

   I know it's difficult for anyone to listen to me (or read this) because it's pretty much just sad. Yeah, I'm old enough to understand that I am more sad then happy and don't have "good old days"to share. It doesn't mean my life wasn't interesting, but not for dinner party stories. 

   I can say that my happy days were after my 30s, taking long drives on my own or with my two small kids in the back seat of my old car, feeling free. I can say that my happy days are still coming and I feel my health and looks and overall well being are better as I get older, but I still feel lonely in my past. 

   I'm still learning the balance in what I can share, when to share, with whom, and how much to keep to myself without it consuming me on the inside, and without the growing resentment of having the short straw in life. I guess that's why I have this space to write it; to express this inner frustration of not having "normal" stories to share.

  If I want to end in the positive note, I can say that my "good days" are still ahead of me and while others will be living in their past, I'm always looking forward to the present moment and the future, since ... very slowly, yet steadily... I might just become the most interesting person I know.