My world

     There is this quote from Anais Nin that has been itching the back of my mind for months during this period of - perhaps too much - introspection. It goes like this: "Had I not created my whole world, I would have certainly died in other people's". I feel like I'm good at creating, yet I am also great at destroying. 

   My life is a series of settlements I have build with people I have loved and trusted and sudden explosions in which I absolutely destroy it from the ground up and find myself naked and alone again trying to figure out what happened. Don't get me wrong, it was necessary to destroy certain worlds that were sucking the life out of me, filled with parasites and death. However, one wonders if I got so good at destroying and escaping that I can't break the habit, even when I find myself in a "good enough"world.

   I have learned to adapt in such an impressive way that I hardly know if I truly love something, or if I'm just good at it. I can't recognize if what is wrong is the outside world or the inner world, or both. All I want to do is "smash", like some sort of hulk woman. It feels good to smash and save myself, but maybe, just maybe, what I have to do is stick around to see if I can find something from the rubble, or if I should really walk away and burn that bridge... yet again.

   To create my world I must build. Once more I have smashed it all to pieces, but I feel called to go through the rubble with compassion and patience and maybe rebuild, maybe forage, maybe save some memories, maybe walk away, but with ease, not fear. Like that old saying: "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water". Honestly, I don't even think I can tell if it's a baby or a bundle of trash, but I guess I won't know unless I pick it up and take a look. 

   I feel like I lost - or destroyed - my world once more and have had to live in other people's, where I felt safe and cared for. I feel afraid of going back to check the aftermath of my most recent bomb and be overwhelmed with a desire to escape and disappear, or curl up into a ball and cry. I feel I won't have strength to rebuild or I won't have the wisdom to find the treasures buried in the mess of my life. 

   I wish I wasn't this way, but I am, and all of it is also my world. Our worlds are built from the inside out. The chaos of my soul bleeds out into my environment. I will never be able to fully calm the chaos, so I must learn to accept it and love it and make peace with my monsters, for they are also my friends. 

   As I befriend my inner world I will be less afraid of my outer world. I'm learning to settle my mind, not by struggling with it, but my listening to it without acting. Maybe the day will come in which I will live fully in my world without the nuclear explosions. Maybe I will learn to be in tune with who I am so I won't have to get so lost in my path that I hardly recognize myself anymore.

  For now, I will calmly walk back, with humility and love. I honor my past, I live in my present. There was a time for flight and a time for rest and now it's a time to rebuild my world from the inside out. As I find myself in my own soul, I will find my place again in the world, my world.   

     

REST

    I feel genuinely happy today. Yesterday it rained and today the weather is cool and inviting. My mind is calm like a still ocean that you can stare for hours and not notice time going by. The water is so motionless it can mirror me clearly and I don't feel the need to explain myself. This may be the first time I had felt this way in a long time therefore I feel the need to give space to this peaceful feeling in the same way as I give space to the moments of sadness. This past week I felt safe to feel and express, whether alone or with people - safe people. I sang out loud, I cried in fountains and I laughed so heartly my heart remembered that I had the ability to be truly happy in the moment - not only in a memory. It wasn't because everything has worked itself out, but because this moment is perfect and that's all that matters.

   I'm not worried about growing old, instead I'm feeling how my long hair gently touches my back and my eyes need reading glasses. I'm not worried about money, instead I'm savoring every meal I ingest and trusting that I will always have food on my table. I'm not worried about the future, instead I'm feeling the goosebumps on my skin as I type this out on this cloudy morning.

  The truth is all my concerns are quite small in relation to my biggest worry of all: my fear of being sad; my ability to go to such low places where life doesn't seem worth it; my dread of being alone and abandoned. I fear the emotions more than I could ever fear the circumstances that bring adversity to my life. I fear the abstract more than I fear the concrete, but it is just as real to me, since our lives are perception and we spend most of our lives in our closets of our mind.

   But today I rest. Today I feel love. I feel as if the universe has wrapped its arms around me like a mother and allowed me to take a nap. I feel like laughter has released hope, real hope, the kind that wakes you up slowly, instead of with a incoming panic attack at the thought of living another day. 

   I can almost listen to that thought that is trying to snap me out of it saying "tomorrow you won't feel like this, it's not real, don't relax into the feeling, you must stay tough", and I allow it to be without judgement. I understand why the thought arises and I love myself for it. But it's ok, because life is only lived in the present moment. Tomorrow isn't real. Tomorrow is abstract. The only reality is right now and right now I am happy for no specific reason. I feel like I belong to everything, but mostly, I belong to myself.