Envy and Love

      A couple of evenings back I talked to an old friend. He is someone I genuinely consider a wonderful person and we have shared interests, such as: Both of us write music and try to record them, both of us love nature and treks; both of us started in Cristian families but deviated towards atheism through a slow burn process of inner discovery and curiosity. He is also a very kind person who always shows me healthy affection and helps boost my mood. When we met, possibly something more than friendship could have ensued, but I didn’t start it and he respected it, however, our friendship has lasted over ten years, and I’ve always been grateful for that.

     A few years back both of us were in a long term relationships with our respective partners. We were both happy, and it was nice to see how each other’s lives were unfolding. However, my relationship went to shit and broke my heart and my life considerably, at the time. It’s been over two years, but sometimes something will reopen that pang, like the conversation I had with this friend I’m mentioning now.

     Just to backtrack. The reason my breakup and this conversation was so painful was because this ex was the only person I actually opened up to in my whole life, and I trusted him and was genuinely happy - also sad of course, as relationships go. It was a pointless breakup that was mostly caused by outside circumstances and our unhealed trauma. Well, I can’t know what caused the rupture for him, I can only speak of my perception of it. I was extremely depressed and wanted him to make the pain go away and he tried to be there for me, but it was too much for him, and his way of coping was retreating to his corner, which caused me to feel more and more abandoned. In the end it was a radical split, from one day to the next. Just a huge back valley of despair and confusion that took me a long time to crawl out of. What hurts the most is that I believe we could’ve worked out and found something sustainable there. It was just a disaster. Once more, it’s my perception, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

     Ok, back to my present feelings. My friend’s relationship is still ongoing, and they are well and happy together, even though they are having to live apart at the moment. A part of me is overjoyed to see a commitment that is working; to see that love is real and many people find it; but another part of me is angry that he is happy in love while I am just unlucky and alone again. Mind you, ninety-five percent of the time I’m thoroughly enjoying my singledom. My past relationships post breakup have been draining and dissatisfying, so no complaints there. However, sometimes something reaches deeper and knocks me down, despite my efforts to tell me I’m over it.

     I want to write about our acceptance of all our feelings. Our mind and heart are complex places where we can feel joy and sadness at the same time. I did feel envy at his happiness and then I felt shame for feeling envy. Then I felt angry for not feeling joy at the good things in life. Then I was transported to the past trying to go through the “bargaining” stage of grief once more when the past is over and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it but accept it and live the present.

     It’s normal to compare with people who have what we desire. Being aware of our humanity in that is a compassionate act. We can’t be happy and grateful ALL the time. We are a mix of intricate desires. We are the consequence of what happened to us.

     It still hurts me that my past trauma and my unsettled mind may have also been the cause of me not being able to recognize true kindness and love from another human being. But that feeling of rejection of myself is not something that will bring me closer to love, both self-love and love for and from others.

     Plus, we can’t forget that most feelings just pass through us and are not real. I do want to be single right now. It’s a choice I made. And part of the choice is understanding that I will feel alone and sometimes my thoughts will be kind and sometimes they won’t. But may I strive to be gentle with myself, remembering that my mind is not always my friend, so I have to be that friend.

     There is no shame in being human. There is no shame in sometimes feeling envy, being petty or comparing. We can love ourselves through it. But love is also a choice. We can choose to let those feelings go when they expire and not feed them.

     I am genuinely happy for all my loved ones who have found mature, loving partners that nurture their lives and where they can share wonderful experiences and make memories. I am also genuinely happy for people like me who may still be learning what love is because they didn’t have it growing up, so it might take longer and we might have to stay in the ABC’s of love for a while. The first step is loving our flawed selves and comforting our soul when it hurts and acts out.

     Love is water. It may overwhelm you and sometimes it will be only a drop and you’ll feel thirsty, but we can rest assured that our air is also made of water. We are never truly parched. We have to wait it out, and in time, we will also feel the rain. The rain always comes.