42

 I turned 42 this year. It's only a number, but it's a big number for me.

My dad was 42 when he had 3 strokes and was taken away in a hospital stretcher. He passed soon after on a Wednesday, September 9, 1992. In a child's mind, my dad was an old man, like most children view adults. We can hardly fathom the idea that we will reach that age one day. 

This was amplified by the fact that I was raised in a fundamentalist / apocalyptic cult and I didn't think I would grow up to be an adult. Best case scenario, Jesus would come back in the sky and I would fly to him unscathed. Worse case scenario... well, let's just say it included any form of torture and sexual assault invented by mankind, while I had to remain true to my "faith". 

Honestly, I don't know if I have depressive tendencies because of my unsettling childhood, or if I was just born this way. As most people like me, I try to think my way into solutions to my scrambled mind and why I can't seem to ever be happy... just happy. 

So, back to my main subject: 42. 7 times 6, both important numbers. 7 is a "good"number because God took 7 days to create the Earth. 6 is a "bad" number because it's the mark of the beast (or devil). Oh, don't get me wrong, I am the opposite of religious, but I am cursed with an astronomic memory of small numbers and words. 

All to say, I have reached the unreachable age and I overanalyze it, true to my nature. Of the 42 years, maybe I was "happy" for 14 of them - wait - I should also count the hours I sleep, although my sleep has not always been "sweet". 

I'm doing my best not to divagate too much, and keep it short. 

I will always try to finish on a positive tone, not true to my nature, as I can be quite pessimistic. I feel that for many people it's only an age, but for me it's a mount Everest. I have somehow made it here alive and relatively sane. It's a struggle to remember the good times and not the countless breakdowns, heartbreaks and just long periods of basic survival. 

I am a lonely person, not because I don't have wonderful people in my life, but because I feel I am unreachable. I can't be reached and there are many things I can never reach, but I have reached the top of this mountain of 42 long years, that felt like 420 years (pun almost intended). Now I will just sit on a nice rock, enjoy the view and breathe a bit... just breathe.