ENVY AND GRATITUDE

     The "bad" and "good"emotions. If we were to put the emotions on the scale, I imagine envy would be at the very back of the list as a big no no. We are not supposed feel envy, in fact, we are supposed to feel gratitude, at least it's what we've been taught our whole lives. When we feel envy it makes us small and wrong, therefore we should count our blessings and bla bla bla. I've been learning slowly to eliminate words likes "supposed"or "should" from my mind schemata. 

   I believe our inner world should (yes, should) be a place where we are supposed to (again, I know) feel safe to feel what we feel with no judgement. We don't have to act on it, but we can have the curiosity and compassion to understand that our emotions have a mind of their own and we must make kind allowances for both the joy and sorrow, peace and rage, gratitude and envy. In fact, maybe if we understand life as a tenuous balance, we could accept that one emotion can't exist without the other, and they both need space.

   I feel envy at people who seems to be happy without effort. I feel envy at people who had a good start in life and have made so much more "progress"(whatever that means) than me. I'm feel envy at people who were lucky in love and have a companion for the cold nights. I feel envy at the young who have their whole lives ahead of them and I feel envy at the old who are gracefully accepting what is. I feel envy at those who have such an easy time making friends and being surrounded by love. 

   Now I'll give space for gratitude. I feel gratitude for the calm mornings and cozy evenings when I feel centered and at ease. I feel gratitude for every delicious meal that arrives at the precise time I needed it. I feel gratitude for my children's love in whatever form they choose to show it. I feel gratitude for a child's curious eyes that give me hope for tomorrow. I feel gratitude that my body is strong and my mind is sharp and my fingers can write. I feel gratitude for the people in my life who accept me as I am, even when I push them away. 

   I feel gratitude for life, even if it's not always a calm relationship and sometimes I wish I could just leave the train, I always find a reason to stay and observe. I act when I can, I wait when I can't and I believe that nothing is written in stone. Books open and close. Stories end and begin again. 

  I feel gratitude for this breathe I'm taking right now that reminds me that I have a soul and the I will always find new things to be grateful for.