Life is
unfair. Yes, I’m starting this post with this very cliché and depressive
statement. Today I’m angry at life, even though I rationally know that it’s
absolutely useless and it won’t fix anything. It doesn’t matter. I still am.
Last week I was flying high and today I’m cursing the Gods that created me and
landed me in this ridiculous excuse for a life.
By writing I
vent it all out and it almost sounds funny, like a tantrum from a five-year-old.
Well, if five-year-olds are allowed to throw tantrums, why can’t a forty-two-year-old
also throw one? At least I’m just not harming anyone, just the lifeless
keyboard I’m typing on.
I understand
that we’re not supposed to compare with others and all that other mumble-jumble
of how we’re supposed to act when faced with life's adversities, but I’m so sick of
that. It’s not about the performance, but about the feeling. It’s not about
being perfect, but it's about being human.
I feel like someone just picked me up with their giant fat fingers and landed me on this chaos of a life for the heck of it. And, worst of all, gave me glimpses and awareness of what I’m missing out on just to rub it in. I know that I’m supposed to be grateful for the fact that my life is not worse, but, common, why can’t it be a little better?
All to say, these past two days were painful and confusing and I’m emotionally dysregulated, part of my CTPSD symptoms. I’ve already done the journaling and meditation and listening to calm stuff and all the self-help stuff, so it’s time for a basic, immature rant.
Maybe getting in touch with your inner child in order to heal is not just about soothing, but also about letting it express how unfair it is that their friends have a safe home and a future while they live in a dump and will never leave that dump, just because.
And don’t tell me that if I work hard and believe I will find a way, or anything of that sort. I’m done working hard. That’s all I ever did. My faith in miracles is quite nonexistent. I’m done hoping my brain will just chill. I am who I am and the only way I will get through the rest of the possible chaos of my life is to be my friend, even in my rants.
My rant is: Life is unfair and today is a day that reminds me of that.
But it’s still my life. The only one I’ve got. Tomorrow is another day.
Ok, I’m
done.
